This Just In: Gwyneth Paltrow Finally Takes Giant Dump, Says She Feels ‘Much Better’

This Just In: Gwyneth Paltrow Finally Takes Giant Dump, Says She Feels ‘Much Better’

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After 43 years of holding it in, Gwyneth Paltrow finally pooped.

“I don’t like to call it ‘pooping,’” stated Paltrow. “I prefer something gentler like ‘conscious unstooling.’”

“I used to think conscious unstooling was just for regular people and assholes…you know, those who make $25,000 or less a year. But then I tried it, and I just feel so much better (than you),” stated the pretentious actor. “I plan to do it more often, but I’m a movie star AND a mother so my schedule is so much busier than yours.”

The actor said she first had the urge to relax her asshole after testing recipes from her website, Goop. “I invited Beyonce and Jay-Z over to try my new Tricolore with Chianti Vinaigrette and Parmigiano Reggiano. Jay-Z made a joke about the high fibre content of my cooking. “Straight from Goop to poop,” he laughed as he ran to the comfort station. I thought about having a friendship termination ceremony as I did not appreciate his joke, but then I remembered it’s important to have important friends.

When he returned from the comfort station, I mentioned how surprised I was he partook in conscious unstooling. That’s when he said both him and Beyonce do it every single day! I was like, ‘Oh my Goddess! If it’s good enough for Beyonce and Jay-Z, then it’s almost good enough for me!’”

Ms. Paltrow only has one problem with her new found penchant for pooping—she doesn’t like to wipe. “I still haven’t found an acceptable way to purify my stool chamber,” stated a troubled Paltrow. “I absolutely refuse to wipe because…ew…and I won’t use a bidet because everyone knows water has feelings.”

Ms. Paltrow says she plans to take on a volunteer to wipe her ass for her.  “What an honor for someone to get to wipe my stool chamber; of course the ass wipe won’t go uncompensated. I’ll be sure to pay him up to $25,000 a year in condescending comments, hypocrisy and unlimited access to my Goop recipes.”

Paltrow then excused herself so she could visit the comfort station. Apparently, her constant diet of cigarettes and tofu makes her really full of shit.

 

 

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