Never Will I Ever

Never Will I Ever

bambina dal parrucchiere

Never will I ever let my kids walk around with dried snots in their noses. It’s gross and makes them look homeless. Likewise, you’ll never catch me lick my fingers and matte down my kids’ hair.

I won’t feed my kids garbage. Racoons eat garbage. My kids will eat good food; wholesome food; real food. All. The. Time. Wonder Bread is called “Wonder Bread” for a reason…because everyone wonders what the hell’s in that stuff to make it so fresh, and fluffy, (and strangely delicious) for weeks on end. My kids won’t eat that garbage.

I won’t document their every move and bother people with endless pictures on social media. (Look at little Jenny sitting in the grass! #milestone)

I won’t cut their hair myself.

I repeat—I WON’T CUT THEIR HAIR MYSELF.

I won’t let them cry themselves to sleep.

I won’t co-sleep.

They won’t drink bottles after one.

They won’t wear diapers after two.

I’ll never yell at my kids. I’ll take three deep breaths and that’ll do the trick.

My kids will never yell at me. THEY’LL take three deep breaths (just like I taught them) and that’ll do the trick.

Never will I ever let myself go. I won’t walk around like a bag of hammered dog shit talking about how tired I am or how motherhood is hard. I won’t rely on coffee to pick me up or wine to talk me down.

Never will I ever…

And then I had kids…

And never will I ever….

Say never will I ever…

Ever.

Again.

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