A Long-Haired Guinea Pig living in a pet store in Queens, New York is tired of being mistaken for business man, TV personality, and presidential candidate, Donald Trump.
“I’ve been mistaken for lots of famous people on account of my illustrious golden locks,” stated the unnamed guinea pig. “Several years ago, someone thought I was Hulk Hogan.”
“I didn’t mind being mistaken for Hulk Hogan. It was kind of fun actually,” the guinea pig reminisced. “People cheered for me and the attention was exhilarating. Then once, someone yelled, ‘Rip your shirt off, Hulk Hogan!’ And I yelled back, ‘Let me tell you something brother! I’m not wearing a shirt!’ But the guy didn’t speak Guinea Pig so he tried to rip my shirt off for me. I yelled, ‘You are pulling my fur, you asshole!’ He still didn’t listen so I bit him. He dropped me back in my cage and called me terrible names, but even that wasn’t as bad as being mistaken for Donald Trump.”
“Another time, someone adoringly called me Rapunzel,” the guinea pig recalled with a chuckle. “I swooned a bit because Rapunzel is beautiful. That guy fed me rampions and stroked my fur. I thought I was in love. I imagined he’d help me escape the pet store and I’d be free forevermore. But then I remembered there’s more to life than being admired for your beauty so I bit him. He dropped me back in my cage and called me terrible names too, but even that wasn’t as bad as being mistaken for Donald Trump.”
“More recently, someone mistook me for Jodie Sweetin.”
“I said, ‘How rude!’ Then I bit him.”
“But even THAT wasn’t as bad as being mistaken for Donald Trump,” said the guinea pig.
“Shortly after Trump announced his candidacy for President, people flocked to the pet store. They’d all point at me and laugh and say, ‘Look! It’s Donald Trump!’ I’d tell them that actually I’m just a beautiful guinea pig, but they never understood (because, again, the language barrier). Once, a big dipshit came in and sang the Celebrity Apprentice Theme Song and that’s when I had enough. I was sick of being mistaken for Donald Trump. That’s when I went to the media.”
When asked specifically what the guinea pig hated most about being mistaken for The Donald, he responded, “I could cite numerous occasions where Trump exposes his ignorance on basic world issues. We could discuss the fact he openly admits he does not prepare for any of his debates (preferring to “improv” and who are we to squash his inner thespian?). Let’s see, what else? We could focus on his absolute intolerance of anyone who is remotely different from him. Or we could look into his exhausting narcissism and erratic toddler-esque shenanigans. The only thing Donald Trump and I have in common—neither one of us has served a day in public office or in the armed forces,” stated the guinea pig.
“The bottom line is—I don’t want to be mistaken for Donald Trump because he’s a misogynistic, racist bigot. He’s an imposter…bread and circuses for the masses.”
When asked if he had anything to say to Trump directly, the guinea pig said, “Yes. Mr. Trump, your hair is atrocious. I have the name and number for an outstanding groomer. She’s really great with pigs.”
(48 hours after this article was published, the guinea pig was adopted by a Bernie Sanders supporter who trimmed his hair back and dyed it white so he’d never be mistaken for Trump again.)