Whelp. Here we are in the depths of January. Time to stuff all the holiday decorations back in the closet and make way for the depressing dark days of a new year. Fear not my festering friends; these days won’t last. Thankfully, once again, corporate America saves the day! Because as soon as Rudolph curls up in hibernation, it’s Cupid’s time to soar. Make way for Valentine’s Day! Another excuse to binge-eat chocolates and slosh back a box of wine (insert fist pump).
For most, Valentine’s Day is just the pick me up we need to make it until March Break.
But as we roll into the season of love, I can’t help but think of all the lonely soles.
No not souls, you grammar geek. SOLES.
Where the hell do all our lost socks go? Why do they just up and leave their mates with nary-a-nuzzle? And more importantly, how do their former mates move on without them? Do these solitary soles ever find their perfect match? Do they opt to tangle in the sock drawer with some lusty fishnet? Or are they destined to a life of solitude forevermore?
Well, I WON’T stand for that. No. Being the proactive citizen I am, I decided to take their frisky fates into my own hands and sign all the single socks up on solemates.com (because socks can’t type and everyone deserves love, gosh darn it).
Hi, I’m Argyle. I’m a huge nerd, but lately, people seem to really dig me. I like long walks in uncomfortable dress shoes and frequent spins in the cold cycle. I’m looking for an associate—no romantic encounters. Apply with in.
Yo, I’m Gym. I’m real toight, but everyone says I smell. Whatever, it’s worth it because I’m so TOIGHT. I left my last partner because she’s holier than thou. Plus she totally lost her figure and got all saggy. If you’re the taut sock I’m looking for then let’s get together. Nothing long term.
I’m short and cute and very discreet *wink, wink. You can take me anywhere, but I tend to fall down a lot and can be totally annoying. Tee hee!
Hello there! I’m a colourful character—the life of the party! I seem like a load of fun, but I often make people very uncomfortable.
Hi! Hi, hi, hi! Whatever you need, I’ll be there for you! I’m cozy! I’m warm! I’ll hug you forever! I’m here to make you comfortable and take away all your pain. I’ve got your back. Pick me! PICK ME!
Hi…I’m a bit lumpy around the middle…and my posture is horrendous. If you’d like to let yourself go, I’m the sock for you.
And if you’ve stuck around this long, I bet you’re dying to find out who found their perfect match. So, I won’t keep you waiting any longer.
Argyle met Toe. Toe showed Argyle how to live a little and they both embraced their discomfort. They remain friends (associates if you will) but there have been no reports of a romantic encounter.
Support met Slouch and they fell toes-over-ankles in love. Slouch taught Support to relax a little, and Support taught Slouch to stand up for herself. They’re getting married in August.
After a brief encounter with that lusty fishnet, Gym met Ankle and they’ve been together ever since. Gym admitted he finds Ankle a tad annoying, but he’s willing to over-look her short comings because he’s a complete douche.
So there you have it folks. If these lost soles can find their mismatch made in heaven, then so can you. Never give up on love.
Happy Valentine’s Day.