An App a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

An App a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

Angry young mother fed up with doing the laundry, holding her crying child and talking on the phone in the same time.
Where’s the app for this???

Do you know there are thousands of apps created to track productivity?

THOUSANDS. Is there really a need for so many? REALLY?

Was that really a productive use of time? Creating THOUSANDS of apps that do the exact same thing?

Me thinks not.

And who are these people who are being so productive they need THOUSANDS of apps to choose from?

I will bet you 1000 productivity apps there is one social sub-group who is NOT tracking its productivity.

Moms.

We are not tracking our loads of laundry. We aren’t timing how fast we can make a PBJ sammich. There is no dust-off, vacuum-a-thon, or carpool contest. Why? WHY you ask?

BECAUSE WE’RE TOO GODDAMN BUSY BEING PRODUCTIVE.

There are mouths to feed, and clothes to wash, and noses to wipe, and butts to cloth, and nails to clip, and tears to dry, and, and, and….

Once we do all that for ourselves, THERE ARE ALL THESE GODDAMN KIDS TO LOOK AFTER.

Eck-hem.

But just for fun, I thought I’d track my productivity for a day. (But just for one day. Because like I said, I’m too busy for this shit.) So just for one day, to show the rest of the God fearing world what it looks like to be a GODDESS of productivity; a multi-tasking momster; a do-it-yourself daemon. I tracked my productivity. Eat your heart out.

LAUNDRY

Gather children in a play area. Dump laundry on floor. Watch as children jump in laundry, throwing it everywhere like it’s a pile of leaves. Act like I don’t mind the chaos. The children are happy, so I’m happy, heh, heh.

Bury children in darks while folding lights. Play peek-a-boo with the baby while rolling towels into perfect thirds. Turn each sock into a puppet for the toddler complete with a name, voice and storyline before bundling it neatly with its mate. Turn to collect a pair of runaway undies (rundies?).

Take an extra millisecond to pop a Xanax. Turn back to see the children have dumped the folded laundry out again and are jumping in their “leaf pile”. Cry.  Wait for Xanax to kick in. Refold laundry in a fit minus all the fun games and puppets. THERE. TWO loads of laundry done.

How’s that for productive?

Time for….

DUSTING

Put fleece pants, sweaters, hats, socks and mitts on the children. Take them up to the bedrooms. Teach them all the best secret spots for Hide-and-Seek. Show them under my bed, in the closets and behind all the bulky furniture. Teach them how to squeeze into the tiniest nook.

Tell children to go hide in their favourite tight corner. Mysteriously forget how to count to ten. Children get wiggly trying to stay quiet in their hiding spots. They roll around, twitching and squirming until someone sneezes. Fish them out from under beds and behind dressers.

The person whose fleece uni-suit has collected the most dust bunnies wins.

Bam…dusting complete.

KITCHEN CLEAN OUT

Open the pantry and yell, “WHO WANTS A SNACK?!?!?” Watch the toddler scale the shelves while the baby bashes Tupperware around. Within mere moments, everything that was once INSIDE the cupboard resides OUTSIDE the cupboard.

We’re not done yet. Swing the fridge door open and yell, “WHO NEEDS A DRINK???”  Then yell, “MOMMY DOES!” Pour a glass of midday wine and watch the kids empty the fridge. Let the baby climb in the bottom shelf while the toddler squeezes into the crisper. Good thing they’re wearing those fleece suits. Playing in the fridge can get mighty cold if you’re not dressed properly.

Pots and pans are next. Oh look! My kids are playing music. I’m such a good mom providing my kids with such enriching experiences.

Whelp. Now that all the food and dishes are on the floor, I guess I better cook something. But first I need to clean up this mess. If only there was an app for that. OH WAIT. There is. It’s called Molly Maid.

What do you mean, what am I going to be doing while the maid cleans my house? I’m going to research productivity apps, you ass hat. It’s either that or I stop by the old doc’s office to get a stronger hit of my best friend, Xanax.

Because you know what they say: An App a Day Keeps the Doctor Away.

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