Hey there, whatcha drinkin’? Oh….a kale smoothie…yum yum.
And where are ya going with that shiny designer bag? To that fancy, new gym that’s teaching the latest fitness craze…fun.
Listen here, you don’t need that horrible smoothie or that big new gym membership to get in shape. If you want to buff up, you just need to have a couple of kids. They are tiny torturous trainers who’ll have you fit as fallopian tube and ready to go in no time.
You don’t believe me? Here are just a few routines my tiny trainers put me through EVERY. DAY.
The Ditch Dash
This is the tiny trainers’ answer to cardio. Simply place your trainers in the front yard. Turn your head to pluck a weed or check the mailbox. Turn back. Notice one trainer running carefree toward the road. Mutter swear-words under your breath. Make a mad dash after the trainer. Grab him just as he reaches the ditch. Return him to the front step just in time for the second trainer to make a break for the ditch. Repeat until tiny trainers get distracted by bugs or grass or a noise.
The Panting Pantry
This routine is better than burpees. Open the pantry door and your tiny trainers will instantly start barking orders. Jump up to the top shelf as one tiny trainer demands Cheerios. Bend down and open Cheerios. The other trainer wants crackers. Jump up and grab them. Bend down. Open the box fast to avoid a meltdown. The second trainer eats his crackers while the first one dumps Cheerios on the floor. Bend down, pick up Cheerios. Jump up, put Cheerios on top shelf. The first tiny trainer cries because you put the Cheerios away. Jump up, get Cheerios down again. The other tiny trainer leaves a pile of crumbs on the floor. Bend down, wipe them up. Jump up and put crackers away while both trainers dump the Cheerios on the floor again. Lay down in Cheerios. Cry.
The Moany Pony
Don’t worry the tiny trainers have a workout for core strength too. Get down on all fours in pony position. Let both trainers climb on your back. When the first trainer digs his heels into your sides, you’ll know it’s time to begin the pony ride. Don’t forget to squeeze your abdominal wall (or whatever’s left of it after giving birth to your trainers). Crawl around the house for what seems like hours moaning in discomfort. Oh, and between moans, don’t forget to nay or they’ll accuse you of being a poor excuse for a pony.
The Weep Test
Every now and then, the tiny trainers will want to assess your fitness. Remember the Beep Test from high school? Well this is the tiny trainers’ version of that agonizing assessment. Pile the trainers in the wagon with several toys, drinks and snacks to keep them occupied. Walk stray toy off in the distance. Sprint back and get that. Start walking again. Turn around when both trainers cry. See there snacks strewn across the pavement a few feet back. Dash back, scoop them up, return the snacks to your trainers before they get hangry. Carry on like this until you either get home or burst into 15 feet. Notice the first trainer threw his sippy cup over board. Sprint back and get it. Walk 20 feet. Turn around and see a tears— whichever comes first.
So instead of investing in that over-priced gym membership, why not swing by my place tomorrow morning at 6 am. I’ll let you borrow my tiny trainers FOR FREE! ALL DAY LONG and through the night too if you want! They’re sure to give you that swift kick in the kettle balls you’ve been looking for.