Fashionably Irrational

Fashionably Irrational

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Sigh…

As fall breezes in, it’s time to put away the flip flops and sundresses and replace them with…umm…ah… I don’t know…turtlenecks?

Seriously, I don’t know anything about fashion. I’ve always been a little behind in the clothing department, and since having kids, it’s really gone down the escalator. (See, I can’t even make a good mall pun.)

I buy all my clothes at the grocery store. There. Now you know all my dirty secrets. Somewhere between cereal and frozen entrees, I sneak over to the outfits and toss a few things in the cart. I wear those same items in rotation until they a) smell b) shrink c) disintegrate.

But as back-to-school season falls upon us, I thought I best get some input on what to wear. I called on someone youthful; someone with dramatic flair…someone with opinions on everything.

My toddler.

Now if you’ve ever met a toddler, you know they are irrational about EVERYTHING—and fashion is no exception.

Me: Buddy, what should Mommy wear to work?

Toddler: That.

Me: My pajamas?

Toddler: No, no, no, that one. Mickey Mouse.

Me: My Mickey Mouse pajamas?

Toddler: Mm hmm…

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Me: What about on my feet?

Toddler: Hubba boots.

Me: Why should I wear my rubber boots to work?

Toddler: Mommy diggin’ in the garden.

Me: Is that what Mommy does for work?

Toddler: No, no, no, teacher.

Me: So why should I wear rubber boots if I’m a teacher?

Toddler: Rainin’.

Me: In case it rains?

Toddler: Yeah.

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Me: Should I wear a shirt?

Toddler: No, no, no, this one.

Me: My “I Only Date Musicians” t-shirt?

Toddler: Mm hmm.

Me: Good thing Daddy’s a drummer.

Toddler: Mommy, me want Daddy.

Me: Daddy’s at work.

Toddler: NO! DADDY!!

Me: No, you’re stuck with Mommy…unless I get a sex change. Then you’d have TWO DADDIES!!!

Toddler: ME WANT TWO DADDIES!!!

Me: No way. There are some things I’m not willing to do…even for you.

(toddler has meltdown)

***time passes***

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Toddler: Mommy, milk.

Me: You want some milk, buddy?

Toddler: Yeah.

(hand sippy cup to toddler)

Toddler: No, no, no, Mommy, milk, work.

Me: You want me to bring milk to work?

Toddler: In the school bag.

Me: Ooo, you’re accessorizing…how cutting edge.

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Me: Now what about my hair? How should I do my hair?

Toddler: No, no, no, hat on.

Me: Mommy doesn’t like hats.

Toddler: This one.

Me: That’s Daddy’s hat.

Toddler: Me WANT TWO DADDIES!!!!

(toddler has meltdown)

***more time passes***

Toddler: Mommy, hair, Woo! Woo! Woo!

Me: Should Mommy wear a ponytail or a bun?

Toddler: No, no, no, cookie.

Me: There’s no such hair style as a cookie.

Toddler: No, no, no! No bun. Me want cookie.

Me: No, it’s almost supper time.

Toddler: COOKIE FOR SUPPER!!!

Me: No way.

Toddler: COOKIE FOR SUPPER!!!

Me: FINE. Have a cookie for supper. I can’t bare another meltdown. I’m wearing a bun.

(hand cookie to toddler)

Toddler: Ooo! Cookie!

(toddler cries)

Me: What’s wrong?

Toddler: Me want two cookies.

Me: Fine, have two cookies. I give up.

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And now folks, time for the final reveal—your fall fashion preview straight from the source of all things irrational.

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Clearly I give up in more ways than one.

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