There’s a lot of controversy surrounding sleep training. But you know what’s even more controversial? Being a huge psycho, that’s what. And sleep deprivation makes people psycho. Oh what’s that? You’re not sure if you’re a huge psycho or not? Read this list. If anything on it applies to you, it might be time to sleep train the baby…because you’re a huge psycho.
- You think three hours of consecutive sleep is a “good stint.”
- You let your baby sleep in his snowsuit, in his car seat so you can drive him around through the night.
- You eat large amounts of garlic at supper time in hopes of repelling the baby through the night.
- You need to go through a specific (and ridiculous) routine where you first bounce your baby, then walk him, shush him, do squats then rock him until he’s perfectly asleep. You’re a grouchy, hot mess by the end of said routine, but you don’t have time for a shower because you need to catch a nap before your precious jewel wakes up and you have to do it all again.
- You need to repeat this routine every 45 minutes all through the night.
- You find yourself muttering, “Fuck it. I’ll just feed him to sleep again.” You proceed to feed him even though he’s in the 99th percentile for weight and you just fed him 45 minutes ago. You do this all night long because what’s another night of hell?
- You differentiate day from night respectively with coffee and wine.
- You thank God for coffee and wine in your nightly prayers. That’s it. Just coffee and wine. Nothing else.
- You sing your child’s lullaby through gritted teeth upon every night waking.
- You’ve invented an arm support so you can hold your baby’s soother in his mouth all night long.
- You’re so tired you coherent can’t a sentence make.
- Your baby has outgrown the weight limit on his swing. The only place he will sleep is in THAT swing. You draft plans for a suspension system to hold giant babies. You send the plans to Graco and imagine how rich you’ll be when they build your new swing. You fantasize about hiring a night nanny with your cut of the money. You draft a contract for Graco and insist you get to be in the commercial for your new swing. You burst into tears when you realize you forgot to put your return address on the envelope and now they’ll never know who sent them the genius plan for a swing for giant babies. You obsess over Graco stealing your baby swing plans and building the swing anyway only you won’t get credit for it, and you won’t get rich, and you won’t be able to hire a night nanny. You breathe through the delirium and obsessively check the Graco website to see when your swing idea goes on sale so you can buy it like every other chump.
Yeah…you COULD do that…
Or you could just sleep train the baby.