As you know, it takes all kinds of assholes to make the world go round. Buried among these larger, more bloated assholes, is a certain delicate breed. It is one that has an understated presence in the grand world of assholery. It consists of moms, and each one has a license to operate a motor vehicle. They are moms who drive like assholes. As you sit there nodding thinking, Ah, yes, I forgot about this particular type of asshole, I encourage you to read on and see if you, in fact, belong to this group, and if so, what is your asshole subgroup?
Does driving an SUV make you feel like a VIP? Then you’re an SUVIP Mom, and you look like a Polly Pocket in a Tonka truck. If the only thing you’ve carted around in that beast of a machine is a toddler and some groceries, then I’ll be sending Tony Soprano after you to repo that thing. And no, you may not linger at that stop sign so you can reapply some asshole shade of lipstick before he gets there. You’re burning more dinosaur bones than a Flintstone at a bonfire. It doesn’t matter how you drive it; you’re an asshole.
Minivan Martyr Mom
Are you jealous of the SUVIPs so you drive a beat up minivan just to make a point? I don’t need a big, fancy SUV. I do just fine in my minivan, thank you very much. As you slam the sliding door to reinforce your point, your bumper falls off. You speed away in a hormonal rage, and we catch a glimpse of your personalized license plate. It says Soccer Mom or Hockey Mom or Jake’s Mom. It doesn’t matter. It should just say Asshole Mom.
Would you rather turn your kid into an emotional eater, or listen to him bitch and moan in his car seat? Never mind, we know the answer. We’ve been in the oncoming lane fearing for our lives as you frantically peel a cracker wrapper with your teeth. You wave the snack over the seat with your right hand while steering with your left. All of a sudden you’re bobbing and weaving all over the road like an Olympian who is skiing moguls. The only difference is she’s a talented athlete; you’re just an asshole.
Stop, Drop & Roll Mom
Does your child nap almost exclusively in the car? If so, you understand the sheer terror of bringing the vehicle to a complete stop for fear he wakes up. So, you don’t stop. Instead, you drop what you learned in Driver’s Ed and you roll every stop sign from here until the end of at least one complete sleep cycle (preferably two). Look out SUVIP Mom, this mom doesn’t give a shit about your lull for lipstick. She will mow you down like a moose at midnight. You think you’re a genius for having found a way to get your child to nap, but you’re not. You’re an asshole.
Soother Sucker Mom
Do you whip the car onto the shoulder of the road willy-nilly to replace your dictator’s soother? Well, the soother’s not the sucker, you are. With nary a flash of the handy dandy blinker, you fly your car door open before the tiny tyrant goes bananas. Who cares about passing traffic? If they want to drive behind you, they must have the skills of a closed course stunt double, because YOU are a Soother Sucker Mom (which means you’re an asshole).
So if you’ll excuse me, I need to get in my minivan only to pull over 45 times to replace my kid’s soother. But not before I fire snacks over the seat to ensure he is sufficiently suffonsified for his impending car nap. Watch out SUVIPs (and anyone else who plans to make a complete stop at a stop sign), because I am a Minivan-Martyr-Snacktastic-Stop-Drop & Roll-Soother-Sucker Mom. Quick, someone get me a personalized license plate. Hey, maybe we can all go in on a bulk order together, because, let’s face it, we are ALL moms who drive like assholes.