According to http://www.urbandictionary.com, a people person is someone who is friendly, warm and kind to strangers of all walks of life. A PEEple person is the exact same, only he is covered in pee.
We had to take Beast Two to a specialist for a very minor pee problem. There is no one who specializes in pee problems in our province, so Husband and I and our screaming baby hit the open road to the mainland.
Husband and I are very organized but in completely different ways. I remembered to bring the green gum. He remembered to bring the health card. Because of our different “styles” we downright over packed for the eight hour trip. He took a cooler full of snacks and bottles to last till death do us part. I took a kitbag full of useless toys and a duffle bag full of sleepers.
While Beast Two had multiple outfits in the event of a costume change, I did not. I had the shirt I was wearing and that was it. It was a given he would get poop, pee and barf on himself, but it never occurred to me I might get messy too.
We arrived at the hospital just in time for the appointment. Beast Two was busy smiling and cooing at everyone. That’s the thing about him—when he’s home all day with me, he just yells in my face. He’s not even crying. He’s just yelling. But when we take him anywhere, he turns on the old-fashioned charm and woos men and old ladies alike. He’s a people person.
When Husband went to fill out the paper work, Beast Two started making his poop face. I laid him down on a bench in the waiting area to change him, but I stripped him too early and he wasn’t finished. He was a little backed up, so he was squeezing pretty hard. You know how those weird, over-muscled men go all red in the face and start shaking when they hold a weight in the air? Yeah. That’s what Beast Two looked like.
He pushed so hard he peed everywhere. He peed on his stomach, hands and face. He peed on his jammies and all over the bench. And of course, he peed all over my shirt. He giggled and laughed at his master-pee-ce on my shirt. This made me laugh as I considered what I was going to do with my pee shirt. That’s when it dawned on me I didn’t have a back-up shirt. I had to wear my pee shirt and that was that. I put Beast Two in fresh clothes and picked him up. When I looked up, a family was watching in horror. Beast Two cooed and smiled at them but they didn’t smile back.
“He’s a PEEple person,” I joked. “Ha, ha! Get it, because he peed everywhere?!”
The mother said, “There’s pee on your shirt.”
“I know. That’s why I made a pee joke.”
She raised her eyebrow into the shape of a bitch and pursed her lips to match.
Just as I started to sweat in my pee shirt, we were called into the doctor’s office. Thank God.
The pee doctor was everything you’d imagine him to be—smart, precise and serious. The whole time the doctor was doing the exam, Beast Two carried on cooing and smiling at him. Then he giggled and pee dribbled out.
“He’s a happy guy,” the pee doctor said.
That’s when I decided to strike again.
“He’s a PEEple person,” I said. “Ha, ha, get it because he peed everywhere?!”
The room went silent. The doctor took a deep, annoyed nose breath and said, “Yes. I get it.”
“I just thought you’d appreciate a good pee joke…because you’re a pee doctor…” I muttered.
“I’m a urologist,” he said.
He carried on with the exam as I stood next to him in my sweaty pee shirt. At one point he mentioned how he’d like to see Beast Two’s pee stream to see if it’s straight or if it sprays. I pointed to the fading pattern comparable to a Jackson Pollock painting on my shirt and said, “Does this answer your question? He peed on me before we came in.”
The doctor just stared at me.
Shame warmed my body once more. I started sweating again and could smell the pee on my shirt. The pee smell made me nervous which made me sweat which made me nervous. It was a vicious cycle! It was like the chicken and the egg. What came first, the pee or the sweat?! THE PEE, YOU IDIOT. AREN’T YOU EVEN LISTENING!?
Without even a pause he said, “You can have a Johnny shirt to wear home,” as though he just KNEW I didn’t have a back-up shirt.
He finished his exam and gave us good news. Beast Two thanked him by dribbling pee on his sterile gloves. The doctor went to wash up. Just when I had resigned to give up on my joke, he turned with a smile and said, “URINE luck. You don’t need to make the trip over here again. You can see your PEEdiatrician for follow up appointments.”
A smile split my face making it impossible to contain myself.
“I just KNEW deep down, you were a PEEple person too! We a-pee-ciate your time!”
And off we went to hit the road home.