Moo

Moo

cow

Listen. If you’re going to comment on a pregnant woman’s amplitude, at least think of something more creative than the standard ‘Are you sure you’re not having twins?!’ gag.

First off, that ‘joke’ isn’t funny, but she’ll feel as though she has to laugh because she probably likes you. This burst of fake laughter could cause her to pee her pants. Her favourite pants…her only pants that still fit her. And she’ll hate you for it…for a long time…because you forced her to laugh at your banal one-liner.

Second off, even if science and technology have assured the woman in question that she is only having one baby, your wisecrack will send a shudder through her uterus as she briefly panics there might be two babies in there. The shudder you provoke in her uterus will put pressure on her bladder…inevitably causing her to pee her pants once more…those same favourite ones. The ones you caused her to pee in the previous paragraph.

Third off, and most importantly, you’re better than that. You are not that trite. If you truly MUST comment on a pregnant woman’s girth, at least do her the courtesy of coming up with something original. Make her laugh for real so she has a good reason to pee her favourite pants.

Here are some fresh ideas to get you started.

The other day in a rare occurrence, I was at the grocery store without Beast I. I was minding my own business when a creepy older man sidled up beside me. “By the looks of things, you’re going to need a double stroller soon!” he said. I laughed and joked with him for a second, thinking he meant for Beast I and his little brother.

As I walked away, I realized I didn’t have Beast I with me. This man had no idea there was a beast at home. He was referring to the one on the inside implying I’m so big there must be two in there. I was caught off guard by his clever twist on the ‘Are you sure you’re not having twins?’ gag. Well played, creepy old man. Well played.

If sneaking up behind unassuming pregnant women at the grocery store isn’t your style, why not try this more innocent approach.

I went to a pool party the other day. It was well over 30 degrees, so Beast II and I decided to sausage ourselves into a maternity bathing suit and hit the waves. I have to admit— it takes all my courage to saunter around in a bathing suit these days. I’m puffy and only four pounds shy of my weight when I gave birth to Beast I. Needless to say, I’m a tad self-conscious.

Once again, I was minding my own business when a precocious little girl swam right over to me. She stood up and swirled her hand matter-of-factly on my belly and said, “What’s THIS?”

“There’s a baby in there,” I said.

“Just one?” she asked.

“Yup,” I said.

“You should get the doctor to check if there are two because it looks like there’s more.”

It was so innocent and funny…so honest and curious. Much more entertaining than the usual cliché.

Even my own toddler has something bright to say.

After an almost six month hiatus, Beast I has finally started saying ‘Mama’ again. Coincidentally, he also fell in love with a stuffed cow around the same time and started saying ‘moo’. Occasionally, he confuses me with his beloved cow and says ‘moo’ when he sees me.

The other day we were taking a stroll through his favourite greenhouse when out of nowhere, Beast I pointed at my basketball belly and started yelling, “MOO! MOO!!” It didn’t help that I was wearing a black and white maxi dress. I made an effort to discreetly shush him, but it only made him yell louder.

A few patrons got a good giggle out of his performance. Since he’s only one, and just getting a grasp on language, I can forgive him for calling me a cow. Plus I have to give him points for creativity.

So there you have it folks. If a one year old can find an innovative way to comment on my magnitude, you can too. I believe in you. It’s time to break free from the ‘Are you sure you’re not having twins?’ gag and set your imagination free.

I look forward to hearing your original material.

Until then, I’ll be over here chewing my cud.

Moo.

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