Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Please help! There’s a huge mass stuck to the front of me!
Doctor: Patient, I regret to inform you you’re suffering from a condition called ‘Velcro Baby Syndrome’.
Patient: Gasp! It sounds…serious…what’s the prognosis?
Doctor: I’m afraid there is no known cure.
Patient: (cries hormonal tears)
Doctor: But I have this handy dandy pamphlet for you if you want to read it.
Patient: Okay, thanks.
Doctor: Good luck.
(Doctor leaves. Patient reads…)
Velcro Baby Syndrome
Velcro Baby Syndrome is a condition affecting millions of parents just like you. (Possibly more, but some parents are big, fat liars so it’s hard to get an accurate number). While it can be annoying, it is nothing to be ashamed of, and it is not considered life threatening. Experts believe VBS is caused simply by having children. The more children you have, the greater your chances of experiencing VBS.
Velcro Baby Syndrome is characterized by a large mass latching itself to you. While it usually adheres itself to a parent’s anterior, some parents experience VBS on their back, side, or even their pant leg. The mass tends to grow over time causing its latch to become more and more powerful.
There is currently no cure for VBS but there are some simple lifestyle changes you can make to try to improve the condition. Firstly, you can pry the mass off and set it on the floor. Usually this makes the mass angry and causes it to follow you around. Secondly, you could try wearing a supportive carrier for the mass. While this option can be cumbersome, it can help to elevate some of the pressure from the mass. Often times, parents recommend just letting VBS run its course as it usually clears up in a few years.
Opening up to others about your condition can be very therapeutic. If you or someone you know could benefit from a support group, please contact The Velcro Baby Syndrome hotline at: 1-800-244-5653.