Well, well, well. You’re having a baby. How special. Now that we’ve gotten the felicitations out of the way there are a few things we need to discuss. Forget hemorrhoids, heartburn, and hair hijacking your body. Those are matters you can discuss with your best friend, or your doctor, or your priest. I don’t care. No, I’m talking about the social dilemmas surrounding pregnancy. I call them ‘Pregnancy Pickles’. These are not the kind of pickles you’re going to crave when you find out you’re expecting. Trust me. Here is a list of my top three Pregnancy Pickles.
Pickle 1 – The Pink Parking Spot
Recently, I overheard several women having a discussion about who should use those pink parking spots. You know? The ones clearly marked for ‘Expectant Mothers’ or ‘Parents with Small Children’? I know…it’s very confusing. One woman argued she NEVER used those parking spots even when she was nine months pregnant and suffering with sciatica. Another woman said she ONLY used them when she was very pregnant and only if she had her two year old twins with her because one was a ‘runner’. To them I say, “Congratulations! You both tie for the ‘Mother Martyr of the Year’ award.” What a prestigious honour. Now move over so I can fit my fat self into that pink spot. Bottom line: I don’t care if there’s some unwritten code stating only us wimps use those spots. If it’s pink and I’m pregnant, I’m using it.
Pickle 2 – Maternity Clothes
What the hell is with maternity clothes? Do they think the second you get pregnant you automatically check your fashion dignity at the door only to attempt to pick it up again nine months later? Or do they think all of a sudden you’re strictly interested in bold prints reminiscent of the ‘Golden Girls’? That is when you’re not wearing ‘Where’s Waldo’ stripes of course. We want to wear the same things we wore before only with enough room to fit a basketball in there too. So we’re left to decide if we should try to make our favourite pre-pregnancy shirt a ‘table for two’, or just suck it up and wear the maternity table cloth they’re selling at the big box store. Bottom line: If you can rock your old clothes while knocked up, then go for it. Otherwise, bite the bullet and stock up on some horizontal stripes for a few months.
Pickle 3 – Your Begrudging Sobriety
You know that top secret first trimester when you’re not supposed to tell anyone you’re expecting? Well imagine hiding it from your friends when all you guys do is get together to gossip and drink wine. Your bloated belly squirms the second your friend asks, “Do you want a glass of wine?” She already has it poured when you say, “Nah…I think I’ll pass tonight.” She and the rest of your favourite hens will squeal, “Oh my God! You’re pregnant! I KNEW IT!” You wonder how they knew it when you barely knew it yourself considering you only peed on the stick before you left the house. In any case, you’re left to decide if you’re going to lie or tell the truth. Bottom line: You might as well just tell them, because it’s really hard to hide your new inexplicable love for potato salad, or your involuntary gag reflex at the mention of the word scallops. Oh yeah, and you just turned down your best friend, wine. Plus, you’re going to need their support through thick and thin anyway, and it’s really hard not to tell someone your news when you’re about to rupture with excitement.
So there you have it. My top three Pregnancy Pickles. Oh, and by the way, if you see me whip into a pink parking spot, wearing horizontal stripes, looking dead sober while eating a container of potato salad, that’s because I’m pregnant. Surprise!