Cartoon Conspiracy

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If you could murder one of your child’s favourite cartoon characters without any repercussions, who would it be? I won’t tell anyone. This will just be between you and me. Okay fine, I’ll go first, you big wimp.

At first I thought I’d take out Caillou. What a whiny little jackass. But then, after some deliberation, I decided on Ruby (from Max and Ruby…in case you’re having trouble following along). First of all, to murder Caillou would be kind of morally wrong because he’s an actual cartoon person, where Ruby is more like dinner. If I were to eliminate Caillou, I’d have to hire a hit man in order to go through with it. I don’t know if Tony and the boys will remove a kid; I’d have to look into that. Plus, according to Husband, Tony is dead. I disagree, but it doesn’t matter anyway because James Gandolfini is for real dead so it’d be really hard to contact Tony. So, Ruby it is!

I think I would turn her wholesome white fur into a stole. I would wear it proudly around my shoulders as an insignia affirming my commitment to banish annoying TV characters forevermore. I would bedazzle it with fake rubies as a tribute to the most irritating bunny on the planet. Parents everywhere would applaud when I walked by. They’d speak in hushed tones as I drifted passed, “Is that her? Rumor has it she’s the one who freed us from ever having to watch that precocious little wench, Ruby, ever again!” I’d probably try to sell her outfit on some sort of Buy, Sell, and Trade site. The ad would go something like this:


Little girl’s dress and smock;

extremely old fashioned;

never washed;

worn every day for seven years

$5.00 OBO

After that, I’d make a cooking show and pitch it to the local TV station. We’d make rabbit pie, rabbit stew, and everybody’s favourite– grilled rabbit with rosemary and garlic. Mmm…

I’m not really sure why I hate Ruby so much…maybe it’s because she’s annoying as hell. More likely though, it’s because she’s a better guardian to Max than I will ever be to The Beast, and she’s only seven. Essentially, she makes me look bad. Ruby runs a tight ship. She’s overprotective and gets away with saying stuff like, “because I said so”. Max and The Beast have approximately the same number of words in their vocabulary, and I could never get away with saying “because I said so”. She has endless projects and activities on the go, and she always finds a way to include Max even when he doesn’t want to participate. I can’t even convince The Beast to take a nap. Ruby, on the other hand, can persuade Max to chase his shadow for a whole episode. If she can’t coax him to do things against his will, she beats him down until he submits. That takes skill, people. Plus, she only teaches him one word at a time so he can’t even negotiate with her. Brilliant. But along with her brilliance comes a huge fur-packed caddy of annoyance. Therefore, I stand by my argument. Ruby must go.

There’s only one problem if we let Ruby go. Who’s going to take care of Max? I don’t want him. Do you? He’d be a tough bunny to please after being cared for by the overachieving likes of Ruby. All those pre-planned adventures she creates for him? The best adventure I can come up with for The Beast is…well…watching Max and Ruby. And I think it would make Max sad to watch an episode of Max and Ruby after she’s been…well…you know. Let’s see, where else does Ruby shine? Oh, the boundaries she institutes…she really knows how to create a safe and enriching environment. The Beast has me so wrapped around his adorable little pinky finger, I can barely muster up a ‘no’ even when it’s self-explanatory which makes for a great deal of grey territory. Come to think of it, perhaps I don’t want to murder Ruby…perhaps I want to hire her to come and be our Nanny! Don’t tell her all the bad stuff I said about her, k?

So that means Caillou is toast. Was there ever really any question? Frig, he’s annoying. Does anyone have Tony Soprano’s phone number?


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