Mom 2: Really? Let’s go and get a pair in every style, colour, and cut!
Mom 1: OKAY! Teeheeheeheehee!!!!!!
No, just no. Stop right there. I will not allow it. Get out of the car and get your mom jean arse back in the house. We need to talk.
I don’t care if mom jeans are comfortable and convenient. Velcro sneakers are comfortable and convenient and I don’t see you trying to rock those (except maybe when you’re cutting the grass.) Mom jeans are inappropriate. If you need to wear flexible pants then, for the love of God, just wear yoga pants. Tights are just as comfortable and convenient and they don’t make your bum look like a train wreck. Nevertheless, it can’t hurt to get yourself one good pair of jeans in the event all your tights are dirty on the same day.
“But I don’t have any money…” I can hear you whining right now. Shut up. You do so have money. I bet you go to a whole host of children’s clothing stores and buy far too many cute little onesies with racoons, and bears, and sea creatures on them. Don’t lie. You do so. And before you know it, you’re $100.00 deep in baby outfits that all look the same. Let Nanny buy the onesies. She loves it. There, now you have $100.00 to spend on yourself. Squirrel away that hard earned maternity leave cheque, wait for a day when you’re only mild to moderately bloated, and get yourself a decent pair of pants.
“But how do I know if they’re mom jeans or not?” I can hear that whiny voice again. Stop it. If you’re not sure, then they’re probably mom jeans. Here’s what you need to do. Put on those questionable jeans and get someone to take your picture-from behind. YES. Do it. I know it makes you want to cringe, but you need to know what you’re showing the world. Now look at the picture. If the material looks like stretched canvas over your bum, then they’re mom jeans. Likewise, if the material looks like saggy old man skin, then they are also mom jeans. Basically, if your bum makes you shudder then they’re mom jeans.
When you go to the store, tell the salesperson you need his/her help. Show them the picture. Tell them you cannot go home with a pair of jeans like the ones in the picture. If they try to sell you ultra low rise jeans, light coloured jeans, or super trendy jeans, you have permission to use your disapproving mom face and go to a different store. You have to try them on so don’t bring kids with you. TRY. THEM. ON. You heard me. Do it. They have to fit. Don’t get all caught up in the whole, “Sigh, I know I’m a size (whatever). Why are these so tight? It must be the designer’s fault. They’re making them smaller.” No. That’s not it. It means they don’t fit and you need a different size. Get over it. Plan to spend the $100.00 you put aside for yourself. If they’re way cheaper or way more expensive then you should be skeptical. When you get home take a picture of your new bum in your new jeans. Delete the old picture of your old bum. That bum no longer exists. Be proud of your new bum.
Look, I get it. My stomach feels like warm play-doh now too. And my thighs are like oceans: vast, rippled, and impressive. If you think mom jeans hide your self-perceived flaws though, you’re wrong. It just makes people wonder why you’re wearing stretched canvas or old man skin. There is nothing wrong with your body. I don’t care if you have muffin tops, or skinny calves, or no hips, or rolls, or whatever. Your body just grew and handed over a HUMAN. Dress your body in a way that puts it on the pedestal it deserves.
Next week we’ll address that shirt with the chocolate and bleach stains on it. Happy Shopping!