Ah poop problems. I’m not talking about constipation or diarrhea. I’m talking about more serious issues. I’m talking about the kind of problem where your child sits in, rolls through, smears, and/or touches poop in any way that requires you to problem solve on the fly.
The up-the-backer and around-the-fronter is one so called problem. I like to call this situation The Letter U. Aw, how cute. Your baby knows the alphabet! He’s so clever. Perhaps your child sits in his poop for just a smidge too long spreading it from one end of his diaper to the other. Oops. Where do you start? Do you clear the back quarters then deal with the front? Do you try to diaper swipe the whole thing all at once? Do you slide a towel under the whole ordeal? What!? WHAT DO YOU DO?! I am a terrible decision maker at the best of times. Usually I mull things over from every angle until someone makes the decision for me. I can’t do that in this case. I’ve tried. It usually leads to an even greater poop problem.
For instance, the poop problem I like to call The Man Handler. This is when your child reaches down and sticks his tiny, uncoordinated hands in his poop. You panic and do a hysterical dance. Usually dancing solves any life problem but not in this case. The poop somehow multiples when you stop to do a dance. Now it’s on the walls and most certainly on the change table. You still classify yourself as a ‘reasonably good parent’ as long as the poop doesn’t reach your child’s mouth. You stop dancing and deal with the hand regaining your status as ‘noteworthy parent’.
There is another poop problem I call The Judge’s Gavel. This is when your child thumps his angry, graceless foot into the poop-filled diaper over, and over, and over again. You resort to doing the same hysterical dance you do when he performs The Man Handler. The dance doesn’t help in this situation either. Now there’s poop on his foot, and you know where his foot is going. It’s going straight into his mouth. You yell for Husband to hurry. There’s an emergency. Just as Husband arrives on the scene, the big toe is reaching the chin. You swoop in with a baby wipe and save the day because you are a noteworthy parent. Husband gives you a high five and you add it to the list of poop experiences you celebrate.
Even though my kid is a genius, he can only crawl backwards. This leads to my final poop problem entitled Knee Deep. This is when your child is naked and clean. You’ve just suffered through The Man Handler and The Judge’s Gavel. You foolishly think you’re in the clear until the next Poopcapade. You are just about to put the fresh diaper on when, all of a sudden, your baby flips like a fish on the change table and backwards crawls into his former diaper. He is so proud of himself. He looks at you and coos as if to say, “Look at me Mom! I’m crawling!” You’re so in shock your poopy, little, genius baby makes it up to his knees in crap before you pick him up. You don’t know what to do with him so you sort of stand him up and put him in junior high slow dance position. You know, where his head is in the crook of your neck but there is a wide space shaped like a tent between your bodies. You brace him with your neck and hope his tiny, little underdeveloped knees don’t buckle. With your hands, you madly tear out baby wipes and mummy wrap him. Your breath is heavy. Your forehead is sweating. You take a minute to collect yourself while your beast lies smiling in a baby wipe straight jacket. You classify yourself as a ‘resourceful parent’ before transporting your poopy baby burrito to the tub. You delicately peel your baby down and set him in. You’re safe!
And then he poops in the tub.