I decided to take one of those stupid online tests to see if I have a more rational brain or a more creative brain. Putting way more stock into creativity, I was sure I was going to come up with one of those kinds of brains. Nope. It said I have a rational brain. If that’s the case, we’re all screwed. I actually didn’t even know what a rational brain was. I had to type it into dictionary.com. It says:
1. Having or exercising the ability to reason.
2. Of sound mind; sane.
3. Consistent with or based on reason; logical: rational behavior. See Synonyms at logical.
4. Mathematics Capable of being expressed as a quotient of integers.
A rational number.
1. Number 1 is a terrible definition. That means I have to understand reason.
2. Um…did anybody read number 2?!
3. Using my rational thinking, I’ve deduced I need to know what reason AND logic are in order to understand rational. Number 3…now I have to go look up logic, reason, AND rational. Thanks dick dot com.
4. Number 4? Are you kidding me? Yes, I’m talking directly to you, Number 4. Explain yourself.
Even when faced with situations of irrefutable logic, I sometimes just can’t bring myself to do the right thing. For example, my brother buys those little tickets where you place a wager on the outcome of a sporting event. Occasionally, just for fun, he’ll let me choose who I think is going to win. I have absolutely no business making a choice because I do not follow any sport at all, ever. So how do I choose? Simple, I pick the team who has the best costume. Done. Now here’s where the logic piece comes in. It doesn’t matter if the brother explains all the reasons why the other team is a better choice. How the other team is winning, and goals against average, and blah, blah, blah. My head is starting to hurt just hearing him talk in there. It doesn’t matter; I refuse to cooperate. Whoever is wearing the more appealing outfit is the winner in my book.
It’s funny how we forgo logic in our day to day life, and yet, we sometimes expect it of our infants. I’ve heard that rationalizing with a toddler is futile, but no one bothered to tell me it’s equally pointless to attempt rationality with a baby. And yet, we all do it in our weakest, most pathetic moments. The other day at the doctor’s office, I heard a mother telling her baby if he would just keep those dirty toys out of his mouth, they wouldn’t be at the doctor’s office to begin with. Um…weren’t you the one … who…gave him that dirty toy? Should you maybe wipe it off sometimes? And um…he’s probably teething so he’s going to plan on chewing everything…so…ease off on the little gaffer, why don’tcha?
I thought about judging her harshly and writing a blog post about her, but instead, I decided to tally up my OWN weak, pathetic irrational attempts at forcing my beast of wonder to be logical. That way, you can judge me instead of me judging her. Tis’ the season, after all. So here is my gift to you. Some terribly irrational things I’ve caught myself saying recently:
If you would just stop wiggling for two seconds I could get this shirt over your head and you could get back to crying about something else a lot faster.
Stop being such a baby.
Calm down! Relax!
Are you serious?
Stop crying! I’m just going to the bathroom. You can still SEE me. I didn’t abandon you. Yet.
Well MAYBE if you ate more during the day, you wouldn’t wake up so much at night. Now there’s a thought…
I can’t understand you. Use your words.
OUCH. I’ve asked you nicely. STOP pulling my HAIR.
See, Beast? This is why I push the nap. So you can make it to bedtime without crumbling. Promise you’ll remember this tomorrow so we don’t have a repeat performance?
Pull yourself together!
No, you have to push the buttons to make it work. No PUSH. See, PUSH the buttons. No, not cry. PUSH the BUTTONS. RIGHT HERE. PUSH.
Oh, you think your crying is loud? You just wait until I get going.
I don’t like it when you yell at me.
There’s more, but you get the picture. One irrational mother trying to force her irrational baby into thinking rationally. Proving that two irrationals don’t make a rational. Or whatever. These posts can’t all be winners. And now you can see why I cannot understand the brain test. How did I get a rational brain result? Maybe I should cross reference my brain test with another brain test to see if I get the same outcome. Now, there’s a rational thought for ya.